Ok, just the facts. May as well start off with a bang. Bigfoot is real, but Jesus is not. Take note, know it, and learn to deal with it. But, we’ll talk about that later. First, let’s start with an article about heavy metal musicians that need help.
Glam metallers hit the wall just as hard as women do, holy shit. Smartest move Glamtera made was switching to Pantera and playing thrash metal. Nowadays Anselmo and his bassist are trying to recruit not Tommy Lee and Mick Mars for a Glamtera reunion, but Zakk Wylde and Charlie Benante for a Pantera reunion.
I know TikTok is some Chinese spyware app, but, whatever, using it anyway. For whatever goddamn reason old-ass footage of glam rock and glam metal shows up on my feed. I never really knew how GAY David Lee Roth really looked and acted until I saw some of that old footage. Yeah, I know the Yankee Rose video was pretty gay, but I was 13 when that came out and had a negative hallucination about it, likely probably everybody else did. And it’s not like that video was constantly playing on MTV for you to re-watch and analyze. It’s was like, “Ok, that guy was weird, but the music is cool.” But now, thanks to ShitTok, I can see more ancient footage from the late 70’s and early 80’s where it’s pretty clear glam metallers were acting like homos to get laid. And it worked of course, but damn. Now they have to A) live with all of that cringe footage surfacing, and B) look like total ass-clowns and GRANDMAS when they try to do these reunion tours. I don’t care if it’s KISS, Van Halen, Poison, Guns ‘n Roses, Motley Crue, Whitesnake, Def Leppard – oh my lord, these guys all have PROBLEMS. Some of them are just gross and fat. Some are legit hideous. Some look like clowns. Some of them just look and act RETARDED on stage.
By contrast… James Hetfield used to have really bad acne, and his face has always had acne scars and kinda still does. And yet, he’s not “ugly” like Axle Rose or Vince Neil.
So the trend appears to be that if your band was based on looks and image first, and then music second, it was like a direct ticket to looking and acting like a washed-up cringe throwback and throw-away ass-clown by the year 2022. But if you played thrash metal and put the music first – well, nobody really had high expectations of you.
That’s not to say there aren’t some gross-ass disgusting motherfuckers in thrash. Chuck Billy, for example. Dude… maybe stop drinking for a minute? His body type is basically the same as Vince Neil. I suppose fatness looks gross no matter what kind of genre you’re in. Once you cross the line from “big boned” over to “fat,” you’d better start taking a look at your diet, your drinking habits, and think of getting a personal trainer. That’s something that bothers the SHIT out of me with the SUPER-RICH glam metallers like Motley Crue. Yo, Vince Neil, take some of that money you have and INVEST in not looking like a fat-ass. You have more time and money than basically 100% of your fan-base, so, you don’t really have an excuse for letting yourself go.
Some people can’t be corrected at all. Gene Simmons (aka Chaim Witz) has like really bad Jew-fro hair. When he’s in non-makeup mode, Witz looks as though he’s sculpted his fro into some kind of helmet. Jesus God. As far as his poor wife dealing with it, life’s all about trade-offs I guess. Tweed gets rockin’ cunnilingus from a foot-long serpent tongue for the price of looking at incorrigible hair. Y’know… baldness can be metal too, Mr. Witz. But, maybe you don’t like your wife looking at you so much? So maybe your shit-hair is working for you in that way.
Witz’s bandmate Stanley Bert Eisen (let’s just call him “Bert”) appears to have received quite a bit of plastic surgery to keep chasing inner Peter Pan. Yeek. *Shudder*. He kinda has a tranny+grandma vibe to him these days, that’s my take. But hey, dig up some recent pictures or videos of Bert and tell me your opinion. If you’re at all into armchair psychology – and you know you are, KISS is pretty fascinating. In my opinion they are even more fascinating when you look at their 80’s hair-metal days. They were really weird. But don’t take my word for it, re-visit their videos for Lick It Up and Let’s Put the X in Sex if you want real proof. The X in Sex song has great lyrics that even contemporary glam metallers Steel Panther would love to steal/borrow. My favorite part is where Bert is able to recognize the female lover he’s singing about specifically by her “black lace panties.” A+ glam metal lyrical work.
I know, I should probably add more pictures to this article. Maybe I will later.
(For best results, watch this TikTok clip with the sound off.)